I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
