Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
