I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Life is so much better after having sex.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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