Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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