my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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