I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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