We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
