i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
