I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
