We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's official drugs can't kill me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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