everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
