if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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