I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
