Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it was like eating out sand paper
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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