Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
