I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
