drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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