In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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