Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
