ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
