my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
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In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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