Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
