Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's get the cat blown out
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
