I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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