Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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