Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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