You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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