Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How naked do you want me to be?
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