Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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