he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
