I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
