my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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