i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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