I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
