Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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