I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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