There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
