Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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