Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
