i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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