Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
