Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
