im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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