I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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