it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
