Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
