I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
