we're blogging at a bar
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
