I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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