TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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