this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
