Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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