So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
