Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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