mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
