he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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