just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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