the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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