I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
