It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
